Updated: Mar 11, 2022
So, you guys know part of my brand incorporates my Christian faith and relationship with Jesus(I think I'm pretty SET on keeping it as part of my brand because it's risky enough without Him, lol). At any rate, I saw this post this morning and nearly threw my phone across the room because it was like God was telling me. "IT'S OK that you haven't finished grieving THAT...get it ALL OUT!"
Last night, I sat with the Lord and just started to talk to Him, and before I knew it, I was in FULL ON TEARS and SNOT mode. I mean just a FULL on WAIL, almost. Lol. To be honest, I couldn't pray for anyone else at THAT moment because I was like God, WHEN will I STOP hurting over THIS?!? I HUMBLED myself and laid it all out (Luke 6:45). I was so OVER it. I said to God, "I've NOTHING MORE TO LOSE; THIS is what's IN my heart (good, bad, indifferent, doubt, fear, insecurities, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, pain, etc. Etc.). Take it cause I can't, I just ugh, I can't. And at that moment, I realized I hadn't FULLY processed my grief for so many things I'd lost and had been losing. I DID NOT WANT to admit the number of things, I'd lost and the MAGNITUDE it had taken on my soul.
I had started to grow NUMB for fear of being seen as weak, mean, and unempathetic. I feared showing my grief because I'd lost trust in so much and so many. I didn't know how to grieve properly and I some things I just refused to grieve (it made it easier to ignore). I silently compared my grieving process to others and grew cold because I'd hear stuff like "you gotta just get over it;" "Don't grieve too long" "sis, just let it go!" It made me realize that I couldn't KEEP acting as if I was OK. I get declare and decree and watch your words but, MY HEART was FULL and I had NO words to make it burst to release. I was carrying unrealistic expectations on MY season of grieving, not trusting that God TRULY had my back. I didn't FULLY trust that God was NOT mad at me for unprocessed grief that was NOT showing UP but hiding as other things. Now, I had to sit with the Holy Spirit and CONFESS what was revealed in MY and grant myself grace for still being IN the process.
Sitting in a pool of tears isn't the most comfortable thing to do. I imagine it's like babysitting in a soiled diaper waiting to be changed. But Psalm 20:7 says, "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but WE trust in the name of the Lord our God. Listen, idk when all the grief of the past season will LIFT but, I know for my ENTIRE soul and health to continue to prosper, I have to TO allow God to let patience have her complete work in me, lacking NOTHING (James 1:4-8). I have to because I know it's not what goes INTO a person but what comes OUT (Mark 7:15), and for me to remain sober-minded with pure hands and a clean heart, the process of pruning with the Lord in timeout is essential.
Give people space and grace to grieve.
And to you, Faithlifier, Grieve well! I'm with you IN THIS. On the other side of THIS, is PURE JOY!!